Purified

"Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me."

The darkness surrounded me, suppressing my voice.
I squeezed shut my eyes, but it was all I could see.
Memories floated through my mind, times of rejoicing...
Ah, that I could feel so at peace again.
As I sink further into the deepness, it feels like
A piece of me is missing.
As the days stretch onward, I'm slowly becoming
Engulfed in the darkness. My being one with the shadow.

Chaos ensues. Dark questions haunt my mind -
Spinning a dizzying web inside my brain.
I've always been the good girl, or so I thought.
How can I be...so...attracted?... to bad things....
I know he is bad for me, know it's no good.
But my heart cries out irrationally -
"He's perfect for me!"

My eyes squeeze shut again, and my mouth utters -
Some words - meant to be a prayer.
Yet it seems that their meaning is all but lost
In this cold, dark place.
My soul cries out, "Lord, please help my
Lost self! I know I can't do this anymore,
I need Your help."

My plea slips into the darkness,
A flare for help, all but lost in outer space.
I muster all my strength to stand,
But my broken leg immediately bows
And I fall down in pain and anguish.
I cry into my hands, defeat again upon me.
All I want is to be loved, to feel desirable -
Is that all so bad?

Besides, my heart reasons,
"I am always so good...
So I need a little bad to balance me out."
I try to ignore the still, small voice
That tells me, ever so quietly -
"You know that's not My best for you."

"Your best for me?!" my heart sputters back,
"Then what is Your best for me - to sit here
Alone, so sad and so cold?"
The still, small voice is gone - no rebuttal in sight.
But deep in my mind, the answer is clear,
And I know that no argument can be won
With my irrational heart.

I cry out again, "Lord, please make my desires
More like You want them to be."
My heart fights against it, but my mind and
My soul deeply desire it.
The weeks turn to months, and at every corner,
It seems the blackness only grows worse.
Deeper and darker and harder to break.

I wonder if I will ever feel again.
If I will ever recover from this.
If I will ever walk on my legs again.
But all is not lost, and one day I awake -
To a beautiful feeling.
It must be how the caterpillar feels
When he finally emerges as a butterfly.

The feeling, so freeing, of the darkness
Slipping away, and slowly fading into the light.
The cage that once surrounded you has fallen away
And all that is left is beauty and peace.
There is no other way to describe it.
That moment that your prayers are answered.

When the Healer reaches down, and touches your
Broken leg - and all is healed and normal and well.
The darkness is gone and suddenly, you wonder -
"How could I have ever wanted those things?
How could I be so foolish and blind?"
When suddenly, before you, unfolds -
A Masterpiece. A beautiful piece of art
That makes your old dreams look like
Tattered rags.

And you look up, and you feel God
Smiling at you - and He says, "I will always
Keep my promises, my darling.
I will always hear your prayers.
Even when the darkness surrounds you
And you can't seem to find the way out.
And, my darling, you know that I always have the
Best plan for you that you could ever imagine."

And just like that, the light surrounds you,
And you feel at peace and at home.
And just like that your heart is purified,
And your dreams become a little more dreamy,
And that bad thing that you wanted so much,
Suddenly looks like a pound of sugar does to
The newest winner of the Biggest Loser.

"Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness."

The Beauty of the Night

A cool breeze engulfs me as I step out into the blackness. After hours of tossing and turning for no apparent reason, I was tired of the glaring red numbers of my alarm clock screaming that it was getting later... and later... with no hint of sleep in sight. 1am...2am...3am. And I gave up. Obviously sleep was going to elude me tonight, so I might as well look at something a little more beautiful than my alarm clock. As I perch on the top step of my porch, I pull my blanket closer around me, thankful for its fuzzy warmth against the chilling air. The world seems so oddly silent. So empty and peaceful. I serenely gaze up at the sky as the song of the crickets lulls away all my thoughts. The moon is bright and cheerful, casting a delicate glow on the sleeping world. In between and through the quickly moving wispy clouds I catch glimpses of stars. Their ferocious power all but lost to me through the millennia that separate us. As I focus on their beckoning light, the chatter of crickets fade into the background. The nagging breeze no longer has my attention, nor does the friendly smile of the moon draw my eye. Somewhere out in the vastness, are things that I cannot even imagine. Things that man has not seen. Wonderful and great things. I feel so small and frail. As if the slightest calamity could totally obliterate my memory. How can problems in my life seem so big and out of proportion? The faintest breeze could blow it all away.

My thoughts take another turn. How awe-inspiring and majestic must God be? If He created all this, if He simply breathed it into existence, how much more incredibly imposing must His being be? How small and finite are we in comparison! The enormity of our universe pales in comparison to an omni-present Deity. 

As I slip back inside, my heart is still filled with awe and wonder at the presence of God. Oh, how little reverence we give Him. We treat Him as if He were a vending machine, or some slave that we control - demanding Him to give us our desires and take away our troubles. If only our eyes were not so blinded by selfishness and our hearts so puffed up in pride. If only we would realize how little we give Him what He demands...

We may choose to ignore the obvious. We may choose to live our way instead of His. But one day, our perfect little self-centered glass bubbles will be shattered. That day when our body breaths its last breath, and our soul enters into eternity. We will then be faced with the harsh reality that we chose to obliviously ignore. Only then it will be too late to change our path. God's mercy will no longer be available, and our eternity will be sealed. Is it worth it?