plaid shirts

 

time ticks slowly by

these memories floating through my mind

the walls that you once stared at too

and the love you poured into life

here in the little pieces

you left behind

i wish i could squeeze your hand

just one more time

or listen to the soothing consistency

of your voice

if only i could get your advice

on the mysteries of life

the sunshine through the porch screen

of the shortest winter days

remind me of the brightness

of your life zest

the way you took the time you had

without regrets or missed beats

and I'll always be grateful

for plaid shirts and corn fields, 

for the cards that you signed Marjorie

for the moments that stayed behind in my mind

and the shortest day of the year

that gave me you. 

Ropes

 

[via]

i take a deep breath

attempting to untie these ropes

for the millionth time

it tightens again

of its own accord 

without my consent

i look to the heavens

and release my grip

because even if i don't

have control

i know Who does

and as my hands fall

the ropes fall off 

and the air rushes into my lungs

fresh and calm

and filled with Your Peace

that i don't understand. 

Stormy Peace

 

[via]

i looked at the clouds

obscuring my view

debasing my emotions

anxiety rising

waves of doubt pouring over me

and with the rumble of the thunder 

in my subconscious

comes a revelation

the promise of clean

the purifying presence of peace

wrapping itself like a hug

around my soul and my mind

because You never forsake me

You give me your love and mercy

every morning

with every mistake I've made

You've been there

waiting to heal me

and so with gratitude

i watch the storm roll in 

with no fear

only peace. 

Black Hole

 

[via]

the time ticks slowly, crawling by

like a creeping snail out the window

unaware of my angst 

unaware of this pain

simmering low beneath consciousness

do you know what this means?

how can we move past this?

you're my gravity

like a black hole pulling me in

all i want is to know you

to discover your depths

but we're stuck here in the moment

before forever

stuck in our thoughts 

and the limits of time

wanting more but getting less

as i watch the moments tick by

grasping for the moment that you'll return

Oh, Sugar

 

[via]

you were so beautiful
in that summer sun

with the rose colored glasses

of young love.

so tempting and alluring

promising a future

of happiness that never ends

no loneliness or sadness

only happiness and bliss. 

i thought it would be forever

that we'd never have to part. 

but when i woke up 

i found out it wasn't true. 

instead of beauty, you gave me ashes

instead of love, you brought abuse

and embarrassment, 

self-hatred, 

regret and agony. 

when i decided to be honest 

with myself

about the broken promises

i found the pain 

that had been swept

under the rug. 

i found the lies 

you tried to hide. 

instead of sadness, i'm choosing anger. 

instead of being a victim, 

i'm the overcomer. 

and there won't be any more

of you in my life. 

because i'm choosing me. 

and i'm choosing truth. 

Day dream

[via]

how can a blink change a life? 

a simple moment in time 

a nod of the head 

a crinkle in the eye 

a laugh that wakes the soul 

and i don't know where my feet are 

the footing that was once so sure 

has given way 

to deep swirling colors and changes 

that can't be explained 

i reach for the moment 

i pray that God will stop time 

if only we could stay 

if only things wouldn't change 

but time marches on 

and continues to change our lives 

with another blink 

and the fleeting memory is gone 

so i shut my eyes 

and hold my breath 

willing the moment to stay 

even if just for the evening 

even if just for this day dream

Waking up in color

[via]

Last night I went to sleep 

with dreams in black and white. 

the rain was pouring down the panes 

bleeding through the pages 

of this chapter called my life 

i couldn't find the ending 

of this nightmare in my sleep.

pain turned into numbness 

hurt into haunting 

and here we are standing 

in the morning sunshine 

with the dew on the roses 

and the colors shining bright 

i feel like singing or maybe crying.

these feelings that i thought were lost 

came swirling in again 

vibrance and desire 

a confusing cyclone of emotion 

i just want to breathe and live and cry 

but here we are in the late summer sunshine 

it's good to be alive.

The Seasons of Life

[via]

i thought of you the other day, love,
and realized we never said goodbye. 
but it's too late now,
with lifetimes between our paths.
still, i whispered it to the trees;
i told them to thank you for the way 
you changed me and made me who 
i am today. 
i know you won't hear it though - 
even if i shouted it 
because there are too many miles between us
a lifetime of changes and hurts and dangers. 
that's the way life is,
sometimes it changes even when we don't want it. 
people are here for a season,
we trust them and laugh and cry together. 
then they leave us
or change like the leaves. 
sometimes we get closure and our goodbyes. 
but sometimes we don't. 

every season has it's reason.

Effortlessly

[via]

i watched the sun 
as she rose and set

effortlessly shining

in the crystal sky. 

the birds were singing, 

snow melting

as the heartbeat of the world

continued steadily. 

how can our life be such as struggle

sometimes...

how do we make things so 

complicated? 

if only i could be 

like the sun or birds

so effortlessly doing

what i was created to. 

Holding On

[via]

the leaves were trembling, barely hanging on. 
their bright colors the same as my heart
the air was cold and biting 
as i wondered how its beauty faded.
lost in the pain of the moment. 

my hands were shaking, trembling with pain

as the autumn rain tried to cleanse this day

i traced the etches of the flood down the window pane

and watched my breath disappear in the air

drowning in the memories and dreams.

my heart beat on despite the pain

even after i thought my tears 

would wash it all away. 

when you fake a smile but your heart is breaking

just like the colorful leaves before they fall. 

and like the leaves being tossed about

and pulled from every direction, 

i made a wish that You would find

beauty amidst my ashes. 

beauty amidst my ashes. 

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." Romans 8:26

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalms 34:18

Promises, Promises

the windows shuddered, like my soul
at the angry, beating wind.
the world was drowning in the torrent
of the tears of God falling on us.
the rain was beating on the roof,
thunder echoing through my soul.
as the trees swayed down under the burden.
i watched the water etch paths in the glass,
and listened to the complaining thunder,
as the sun hid in dismay
and all the grass drown under
the never ending flood.
then all at once, the tempest was over
and the world gasped a sigh of relief
as God renewed His promises.
as God renewed His promises.

I Woke from the Nightmare

[via]

i woke from the nightmare
the rain was filled with my fear
and the storm had overtaken me
i always loved the rain before.
i always loved the storms.
but these were heavy storms,
and too much for me to carry.
and as i let the rain wash over me,
too numb to lift my face,
a silent cry stifled in my soul
to rescue me from this fate.

i woke from the nightmare
to feel the sun smiling again
and the leaves whispering their praises
the light was brighter than before.
the trees even happier.
and i saw everyone who loved me,
standing right there beside me.
because silent prayers were heard,
and God provided before i needed.

i woke from the nightmare
to everyone that i care about.
to all my needs provided.
to all my fears subsided.
and love racing in the breeze.
and a better life than i had dreamed,
gifted to me from heaven.

i woke from the nightmare. 

Short Breath

[via]

i caught a glimpse of the tangerine sunshine
peeking shyly through the clouds
the clouds that shrouded the city lying scared below
in a dreary winter haze.
shades of coral, turquoise and amber
hidden from the ground beneath
as the earth shivered from the caress.
we woke up today
to thoughts unknown
to experiences unheard
to feelings unfelt.
the world changed in a moment
and we took it for granted.
and as i pondered these inklings
with the winter shroud above
my fingers twirling a delicate flower
reminded of the short breath
that is called this life.

New Adventures

So I mostly post poetry-type stuff (if you can call it that lol) on here... Occasionally, however, I do post a glimpse into more than just my thoughts/feelings and share what is happening in my life. I feel like it's been awhile since I did that - partly because life was busy and I was only blogging sporadically. However, I have a little more time currently so I'm trying to get back into it a little.

I think the last time I posted a personal update was when I became a dietitian (What's Going On) and then when my cousin died (In Memory of Brookie). Both of those happened almost 5 years ago (seriously?!) and a lot has happened since then! :)

God is always so, so good. I can't emphasize that enough. I am so grateful for His leading in my life, and for all the good, wonderful things He has provided. Time and time again I am reminded that He always provides. In the end, there truly is nothing to fear or worry about, because He always provides for every single need we have.

So for the past 5 years, I've been working as a dietitian - I started out with my dream job as a retail dietitian which was such a great experience and I loved the creativity that I could have. My coworkers were amazing - like a huge, supportive family. Which was the perfect place that God wanted me to be as He led me to leave the community that I grew up in and follow Him more closely. I grew up in a conservative church and there were a lot of good things that I learned and experienced, but as I grew in my walk with God, I felt His leading to find a different church. This was one of the hardest things I ever did - stepping completely outside of anything I had ever known and learning basically an entire new way of living.

[a few Hy-Vee coworkers that came to my wedding]

[over 2.5 years working at Hy-Vee]

After that, God started leading me in a new direction in my career. I took a job as a clinical dietitian at a hospital, and moved across the state to a place where I had never met anyone. It was such a growing experience - and again my coworkers have been phenomenal and a huge support to me. Besides changing directions in my career, I felt God leading me to change careers completely. I love my job as a dietitian. I absolutely love it. And after a year at my current place, they promoted me to lead dietitian which has been another amazing, humbling, growing experience. However, I still feel God leading me out of my comfort zone as a dietitian and making a huge leap of faith by going back to school. (hopefully more details on that in the future ;) )

[friends and moving crew]

[the awesome dietitians I get to work with everyday now]

During all of this, I also started dating... After a couple months of dating, my (now husband) had his work visa renewal rejected which started a 2-year-long LONG distance (8,000 miles) relationship. Despite the struggles, God blessed us with being able to travel to 5 countries together; which I highly recommend if you ever have the chance - as traveling truly is a growing experience as you find out that the whole world does not necessarily fit into your neat little box ;) We got married in September and I am now living in India for a few months with my darling husband as we wait on a spouse visa.

a few wedding photos: 

[my family]

[my sweetheart]

[my besties]

[the ring + henna]

[guestbook]

[the best mother in the world]

[my mom MADE all the decorations - she is the BOMB]

[our adorable flower girl]

[wedding party]

A few photos from India :) 

[the view from our flat's gallery]

[our first guests at our home - a fellow "masala sister" which is what I learned that foreigners married to Indians are called lol]

[nothing like stopping your car on the roadside to get a fresh coconut]

Goodness, I think I am getting old.... but life is an amazing adventure and I absolutely cannot wait to see where God takes us next :) 

God Made You

[via]

it was a quiet feeling,
the kind that just sneaks up on you.
the kind that you never expect.
it was a lovely feeling,
different than what you pictured.
different than you had imagined.
and i didn't know how to describe it;
the way you loved me,
or the space you held for me.
it was like opening a new door,
one that i'd never noticed before.
and behind that door,
was a new world.
a breath of fresh air.
a precious gift from God.
and when He crumbled the old world
     in front of my eyes;
He fashioned you to hold me.
He made you to fit me in a perfect way.
and to show me what true love is. 

Nothing Will Ever Be the Same

[via]

nothing will ever be the same.
yet, still i remember those moments
the walls of my heart painted with nostalgia
happy moments turned into sadness
wistful longing for stories that never unfolded.
but i hold these memories in my mind
opening them and closing them a million times.
and smiling at the way you laughed;
the connection we had, if only for a moment.
and you may forget me,
a hundred years from now;
but, darling, i'll never forget our moments,
our memories,
our split second of connection in this journey of life.
and as i close the box of my heart,
i whisper a prayer, that some day,
i'll run into you again...
in a crowded store or abandoned hallway.
and that our eyes will meet like old times,
even though it is a thousand miles away.
and i'll say your name, and you'll say mine.
for a moment, the memories will be with us again,
my dear friend,
and the memories will be sweet again
instead of bittersweet.
nothing will ever be the same. 

Flavor of Your Love

i let the flavor of your love

sink onto my tongue; 

a million thoughts 

     dancing on my taste buds. 

and every day is something new

something new to love;

so many things to learn,

     so many memories to make. 

these flavors are exotic

in endless combinations; 

and as i take another bite

     it's anything but ordinary. 

Self Righteous

[Hyderabad, India]

the sun is setting out my window
a gentle breeze dancing with the curtains
as i breathe this summer air
noises from the ground below
still echo in my ears
and i watch the traffic doodles
     and swirling neon lights
outlining the roads below
my mind is full with pleasant thoughts
happy memories
hopeful dreams
but i often wonder at the difference
that a world can make
my day is over and they are just starting
even time seems different,
in the chaos there is still peace.
in the hustle, there is still calm.
and i wonder what God thinks,
as He looks down from above.
with the whole world judging each other
and withholding love,
when He created so much variety,
and all we want is for them to fit in our little box.
and we choose our beliefs over loving,
instead of letting the Holy Spirit convict.
because we think we have all the answers,
and maybe we just need
to walk a mile in their shoes.
and remember that Jesus
condemned the pharisees for their judgmental beliefs.

the world isn't a box.
God made it bigger.
His imagination is not limited
by culture or religious expectations.
and there is so much beauty that we miss
when blinded by pride and self righteousness. 

Ordinary

[via]

it was a normal day
the sun was shining, but not too bright.
the birds were singing, but not too loud.
my heart was beating, but not too fast.
the kind of day that you never notice.
it doesn't catch your eye or change your breath.
and if you let it, it will make you comfortable.
too comfortable; complacent.
but that's the kind of day it is.
nothing more or nothing less.
always steady, always constant.
with the sun shining, and the birds singing,
and my heart beating; beat by beat.
never stopping, never tiring.
but sometimes, love,
ordinary is the best kind of love.

Cleansed

[via]

the storm surrounded me

like the darkness you created

cold, heavy rain took away my breath 

and lightning pierced my soul.

it's what you wanted, right, love?

you wanted me to feel the pain. 

you wanted me to know i wasn't worthy. 

undeserving of your love. 

you wanted me to know i was wrong.

isn't that why you threw those stones? 

but, love, don't you know...

you aren't god.

you don't see my heart or hear my prayers. 

my decision doesn't affect your self righteousness. 

the rain fell down, and it almost drown me, 

but love, i thank God for it 

i thank Him over and over

because instead of drowning, it cleansed me 

illuminating the dross and removing it. 

and i thought i would miss you 

once the pieces fell, 

but all i feel is peace. 

Jesus has the storm.