Wednesday, November 30, 2016



there's one thing i need to confess
this is something you need to know
i live my life, and let you live yours
but not only that, i will relish in our differences
they do not bother me, love
these contrasts awaken my dreams

and so even if we are the most opposite people in the world
i can be friends with you
i can fall in love with you
if you meet this one requirement
if you are 100% fully yourself
these are the people i thrive on

i can't tolerate fake
i can't handle judgmental people

live and let live

authenticity is my life blood
if you are real
if you are 100% you
then i will love you
no matter who you are

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

In Return


he pretended to be nice
and she fell for him
she blindly ignored his manipulative comments,
      passive-aggressive responses, and sickeningly sweet words.
until one day he became brave enough to
slap her in the face
(not literally of course)
and she looked at him in honesty for the first time
because she had shown him nothing but love
and this was the gift he gave her in return.

she wasn't perfect
but she was passionate
she lived life with intensity
and her strength was more than he could handle.

for the first time
in a long time
she decided not to waste her tears on him.



she was kind and giving
and oh so sweet
the kind of person you could tell secrets to
she would take them and lock them in her heart for you
but then she would never share any of her secrets
and so her heart became a dungeon
from which nothing could escape
and instead of viewing her as a friend,
they began to view her as a counselor
and they took from her emotional reserve
until she had nothing left to give
but her tattered and torn mask
that she refused to take off.



i used to have this blanket
that kept me warm and secure
but it was rudely ripped away from me
that cold September night
i didn't think i could lose you
you was young and beautiful and brave
the thought to tell you goodbye
never crossed my mind

but now
it always does

every time i see someone
i wonder if it will be the last
every time i say goodbye
i memorize your face in my mind
that warm blanket is gone
and in its place is something cold and gripping
and i rip it off and throw it away
but it always manages to find me again



i want to climb mountains
i want to sail seas
i want to run and never stop
i want to be led to where He wants me to be
i want to dream big dreams
i want to forget all the nightmares
i want to heal soul-wounds
i want to make a difference in this dark world
i want to live life to the fullest
i want to make friends with every personality type
i want to fall in love with someone that is in love with me
i want to experience the thrill of emotions
i want to ride the wave of music
i want to taste exotic flavors
i want to hear your soft whisper
i want to relish in your brilliant smile
i want to tell you i love you
i want to dance in the moonlight
i want to be someone i've never been then -
i want to be myself to the fullest
i want to follow my Lord and Savior
i want to be who i'm called to be

// speed of experiences & ideas

Saturday, November 26, 2016



dark and light
the contrast of opposites 
pulling us into different directions
but as we fight this tide
our contrast inspires the world
like starlight and darkness are we
and the stargazers are the ones who learn the secret 
darkness can never destroy the light
it only defines it
and without the dark, we would never see the stars
without the night, we would never dream these beautiful dreams. 

Friday, November 25, 2016



we are like mirrors,
reflecting the light and the dark.
revealing what's around us and what's inside,
and when i see what's inside of me,
it makes me wonder.

we try to cover up our feelings.
we attempt this poker face.
but in the end i know what i'm made of,
and you know what i'm made of.
so why do i even try to deny it?

i can't blame you for what you're feeling.
for who life has made you to be.
i can only relish in the beauty,
and fall in love with your defects.

and so no matter what you reflect,
whether it be the sunrise or the storm.
whether there is smooth sailing or waves.
i choose to love the ocean that is your soul,
because it is deep and mysterious and oh, so beautiful.

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Shooting Stars


this star dust is making us high, love
we cannot begin to fathom our emotions
as we struggle to breathe
and forget all our trials
we disregard their judgemental glances
and focus on the wonder of our affection
this star dust is keeping us alive
as we dance and dream in the night
we fall in love with the moment
this instant of splendor.
we are shooting stars in the evening sky -
they wish upon us
but tomorrow they forget that we existed
until their dreams all come true
and then they wonder at our beauty.

Grateful for You


i'm grateful for you
because you taught me to love
your eyes showed me kindness
your words were sweet and beautiful
you'll never know how confused i was
you'll never know the thoughts i had to work through
like the sun shining down
and confounding the clouds
like the ocean waves
beating against the sand
you changed my perspective, love
you've made me better
and so if they ask me if i knew you
i have no regrets
you opened a whole new world for me
and i'm still trying to explore it

Monday, November 21, 2016



these emotions are like oxygen
we breathe them in to survive
they pulse through us, making us alive
how can we be alive in the night, love? 

breathing is wasted when we watch the stars
because nothing will ever cover up these scars
the pain is real but so is our love
and why must they become so entangled, my love? 

this moment is heated
all we feel is the intensity of each breath
fleeting, fading is its existence
and in our attempt to feel it
     in its entirety
we caught the flame of our ferocity
but, my love, don't you think,
that these memories are so much better

than to live with no scars at all?



she spends too much time in her head
but the waters there are so deep 
and the waves so vociferous
that she will drown 
if she doesn't learn to conquer them

Sunday, November 20, 2016



if chaos is a work of art
then my heart is a masterpiece.

this noise in my head is overwhelming
but it's nothing compared to the chaos in my heart.
i stumble and jump up and stumble again
i try to forget your memory
even as you whisper love to me
and i just want you to tell me
that love will be worth it all
but i don't know if my heart can handle another crack, love.
and i'm afraid that you're going to drop it.

love hurts.

Friday, November 18, 2016



he was hesitant,
not afraid but contemplative.
her fragile beauty, passionate heart, and enigmatic soul
enamored him.
she was like a butterfly,
a touch too soon and she would flit away.
and as he approached her, ever so gently,
she kept her distance.
until in a moment of weakness,
he picked her up and repaired her wings.
and in that glimpse,
she realized that she no longer wanted to fly away.
and she whispered in response to his pensive gaze,
you never need an excuse to talk to me, love. 

We Decide


the world is spinning
recklessly spinning
and the only thing that makes sense is that look in your eyes
     part gentle caress, part deep still water, part star fire.
you draw me to you even as i try to push you away
and that makes me love you more than anything, love.
we don't need words for understanding.
even in silence we hold conversation.
no one else sees our secrets, the world is oblivious to our connection.
our feelings dance and twirl together,
     unheard and forgotten in this feverish world.
and we take it all in stride,
and we decide to show the world the love it is missing.
we decide to give the world a little more beauty.

Thursday, November 17, 2016

We Fell in Love


we fell in love with the moment
laughter cascading around us
the world is gorgeous and full of passion
your eyes danced as they looked at me
full of so many thoughts and feelings
and i blushed and looked away

we fell in love in the moment
our lives were jolted by the connection
the way we feel together
the way we make each other better
and we throw caution to the wind
because this is what we've been waiting for

we fell in love for the moment
twirling through the emotions
swimming through the deepest waters
our fleeting lives fading before our eyes
but we have no cares because love is more
and when it's over, there are no regrets

because we loved with every fiber that was within us. 

Wanted to Tell You


there are so many things that i wanted to tell you
but they got stuck in my head and i couldn't pull them out
and so i observed you, with a sadness in my soul,
because i know we could be friends
if only i knew how to reach you.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Moments of Connection


like the sunshine filtering through my window
your voice touches my soul with its warming caress.
these are just words.
these are only moments, glimpses of time.

like a brushstroke in a painting,
like a chord in a song.
a simple moment of connection
on the canvas of our lives.

we don't see the bigger picture
but we feel the connection of the moment.
we feel the thread binding us together
until our lives become intertwined.

we listen to the song for the first time,
and we marvel at each chord.
      some happy, some sad, and some that don't make sense at all.
but we don't know yet how we will feel when the song is over.
these emotions change so suddenly,
like fireworks in the sky, or like gnats flitting around an apple.
we live our life in moments, by feeling deep emotions.

our lives are a concert, love,
we don't just get one song.
and i don't know how i'll feel when this song is over, love,
but i know how i feel in this moment,
and all i can say is there is beauty in the deep.
so much beauty in the deep.

Sunday, November 13, 2016

Wild Creatures


hearts are wild creatures
that's why our ribs are cages.

all i know is my heart was pounding,
     trying to escape.
it wanted to be with you.
     your gentle touch.
     your playful laugh.
     // and eyes filled with kindness.
it would have jumped out of my chest
and clung to you
if not restrained by its cage.
if my bones had been weak.
but i strengthened my resolve
because you haven't proven yourself trustworthy, love.
and so i locked the gates tightly.
i brought in the reinforcements.
and my heart, in its agony,
cried to the moon

Different Paths


the moon was so bright
and our bones were alive;
there was warmth in our souls
as we fell in love with the night.
and when i looked at you, your eyes shone
     they were even brighter than the moon, love.
they shone with passion and the deepest kind of affection.
and suddenly i realized my heart was on fire
kindled by charity and a little curiosity.
but there was also tears in my eyes,
because i know we're on different paths, love.
you've made your decisions and i've made mine.
and even though we may be better than the sun and the moon together,
our orbits are pulling us apart.
and i can't ask you to change for me, love,
because i adore you just the way you are.
but i pray that one day, God will get hold of your heart, love.
and even if our paths on this earth never cross again.
i can't bear the thought of not seeing you in heaven, dear.

Friday, November 11, 2016

Playing My Heartstrings


if emotions are your music
and expressions are your riffs
my heart is your instrument
and your words are the pick
and the chords that you keep choosing
make me confused
because it's major and then it's minor
but beautiful always so beautiful always

this heart is out of rhythm
you forgot to tune it, love
and out of all the chaos in my heart
you somehow increase the confusion
but the chords that you choose
are exquisite
because it's major and then it's minor
but beautiful always so beautiful always

this song, it keeps building
and i can't figure out where it's going
because the chords are a jumble
and my heart is being played
the harmony is so beyond me
i'm shamelessly confused
because it's major and then it's minor
but beautiful always so beautiful always

Fingertips of Our Souls


our eyes meet,
the fingertips of our souls brushing.
but our soul-fingers never intertwine,
because we're both too scared to hang on.
and so we dance, but it's not a slow dance.
it's more of an unsure dance.
where we accidentally touch arms,
and look at each other in shock.
and i laugh because you're everything.
and you laugh because it's awkward.
and you aren't used to being awkward,
but i am and so i roll with it.
and you make a face that tries to cover up
how much you care.
but you forget that i can read you
like the back of my hand, love.
and you may be a good actor,
but you'll never fake me out ;)

Thursday, November 10, 2016

This Birthday Though.

call it a quarter life crisis. 
except who knows if i'll live to 100. 
probably not, you know. 

i'm not sure what i'm doing. 
what have i accomplished? 
really, truly? 
nothing of importance. 
i haven't changed the world.

i have big dreams. 
they scare me, 
they would you too, believe me. 
but when am i going to do them? 

goodness, i hate that. 

yes, that's a creme brulee cupcake. 
i have awesome friends. 

my week started out with glow-bowling.

then my aunt treated me to seafood.
and grandma treated me to italian. 
{i'm seriously spoiled}

these lovely ladies surprised me with a party at molly's cupcakes. 
they are so, so sweet. 
{thanks, Sally, for the picture}

then it was cousin's night with japanese.

oh, and opening gifts / skyping with the fam in indiana

so many cards, with the sweetest notes
{you wouldn't believe it}

flowers from grandma.
more cupcakes from grandma. 
{she's my favorite ;-) }

a surprise waiting at my door from my favorite co-worker 
and so so so much love. 
{i couldn't handle it}
you all are so amazing. 

and it's not over yet!
{drake game with my best friend on saturday}
{so so spoiled}
seriously, though.



We were meant to be perfectly imperfect
Such a beautiful mess
I'm calling out these
Pretty pretty lies
Pretty pretty lies
Pretty pretty lies


Get it together
That's what I said to me
I put on the pressure
You could do better
Be who you supposed to be

You're lifting my head up
I was keeping my head down
I didn't know love
But I do now

Cause You stood right there
And then You broke apart the lies
You told me I had something beautiful inside
You brought to life the part of me I thought had died
Cause You stood right there until I saw me
I saw me through Your eyes 
-Britt Nicole


Music just has a way. 



You know, the more I get to know you, the more confused I get. 
     she mused.
      Believe me, if I could understand myself, I wouldn't spend so many sleepless nights. 

we don't know who we are
until we discover it.

i've found that my pet peeve is being stereotyped.
i'm not a stereotype.
i can't be put in a box, so take me out.
i'm full of contradictions,
an enigma that doesn't make sense.
but i like it that way.
most of the time.

i am an explorer of new ideas, new experiences.
i have a bucketlist a mile long.
and some of the things on there would shock you.
believe me, i don't lie.

my world is a happy one,
filled with beauty.

you look at me, but you only see the surface.
you see the wave-crests but not the ocean.
you see the surfer, but not the reef.
you see the dolphins, but not the seahorses.

i don't feel in halves.
my passion is deep,
deeper than you've ever swam, love.
my joy is your elation,
my sadness is your despair.
and you back away because it scares you.
and i let you, because i get it.
believe me, it scares me too, love.

Rough Patch

i hit a rough patch in life.
hatred from my past popping up to haunt me.
there's an insecure little girl staring at me in the mirror.
you'll never be good enough! they taunt her.
and she chooses to believe them.
and it makes me hate her.
so i turn up the pressure, pressure to be perfect.
and i fail.
in the process, hurting more than just myself.
but then my friends come along,
they whisper their love for me,
when i can't seem to love myself.
my family picks me up off the floor,
and they say i'm beautiful, and i'm enough.
when i feel anything but.
oh these beautiful people that i'll never deserve.
i love them all so much it hurts.

to all of you, who have been my lifeline.
who have accepted me despite my mistakes.
you know who you are.
thank you, a million times a million.

Monday, November 7, 2016

Oceans of Regret


i trace the outline of the moon
as rivers run down my cheeks.
oceans filled with regret
and hollow bones.

a million stars
but none of them compare to you.
how could i hurt you?
i know i did.
i saw it in your eyes.

there was a tinge of pain
that you tried to hide behind some laughter,
but i saw it glisten in your eyes across the room.

i didn't know what i said,
i shouldn't have said it.
so now i cry bitter tears, all alone.
and i promise, i won't get near you,
because i can't bear to
see your pain again.

Silly Mistakes


why must you be so complicated?
why must i be so human
and make so many silly silly mistakes?
if you could see my heart, love,
there would be regret written
all over it.
things that can never be changed;
things that i can never undo.
although in my mind,
i've imagined it that way
at least a thousand times. 

Saturday, November 5, 2016



in an instant
we found ourselves surrounded
by the fire of autumn
burning, searing pain came with the beauty
and by the end
we were nothing but hollowed out stumps
but in God's goodness
we were purified, the plague was stayed
and when the spring came,
no one could breathe when they saw the beauty.

Thursday, November 3, 2016



i ran to the rivers
and disappeared to the woods
suddenly i was out of breath
gasping for air
as the crickets watched me
the clouds looked down at me
in shock
as my heart pounded
against its cage
beating, pounding pressure
and the trees whispered my secret back to me
and i discovered my error
because every time you messed up
i put pressure on myself.
i blamed myself for your mistakes.
but love, they weren't my burden to bear
and so i'm cutting them loose
and letting go of the strain.
i forgot you in the process
but believe me,
it was a purposeful kind of forgetting.



i was
hanging over the edge
hanging on by a thread
you were all my hopes and dreams
a strand of expectation
keeping me alive

and then
the rope was cut
i cried as i watched it
disappear above me

i longingly looked for it
through the agony
of the free fall
when you have no anchor
and the world is collapsing

but then i opened my eyes
and i realized
you was a chain
that was holding me back
keeping me hidden
consuming my life

and love,
i have never been
so sad and glad
to see you go.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Made of Memories

there was a lump in my throat today
made of memories from the past

but i made a choice in the moment
i refused a meeting with nostalgia

because even though now isn't perfect
this is our moment this is all we get

and even if i'm never good enough
even if i never measure up
i choose in this moment
to not give up and keep on trying

a good friend is hard to find
and sometimes love seems impossible
but in the end all the broken hearts
will be worth it, love,
they will all be worth it when we fall.