Thursday, December 29, 2016

Silly Girl


silly girl
who told you that you could play this game?
even you know
that you'll never win.
silly girl
why are you trying so hard?
who do you think you'll ever find?
you're out of your league.
silly girl
you should just give up now
before you make a fool of yourself.
before your heart is broken beyond repair.


when reality is better than any daydream
where we laugh and cry and experience connection.
when we love the sun more than the stars
because we no longer have to wish for better times.
when we're so in love that planet earth is rose-colored
and we are only aware of each other.

I Forgive You.


empty words, broken promises
why do i still trust you?
why do i put myself through this pain?
my heart is wounded
yet again.
so i cry silently
i don't let you see my hurt
and i make the decision,
as i wrap this bandaid around my heart,
to still be kind and to show you love
because i don't know your story yet
and you don't know mine.
and i hope that once you do,
you'll realize that you're causing me
so much pain and hurt.

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Inch > Mile


he gave me a mile
and i took an inch.
you gave me an inch
and i took a mile.
i wish you could see our perfection.
i wish i could make you fall for me.
but i'm not that type ah girl.
and you're not that type ah guy.
but that doesn't mean my heart won't ache
as i look at the stars and desperately wish
for a simple mile with you.

Saturday, December 24, 2016



these moments are beautiful, love,
these memories are gorgeous;
like golden shards of sunlight
of a life lived by few.
i pick up these pieces
i save these shards of time
they are locked away in my heart, love,
i ponder their meaning on rainy days
(it's why i love the rain)
and some day,
i'll be able to glue them all together
into a beautiful breath-taking vase
some day soon all the pieces will fit
and the world will marvel at its beauty.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Lyric Mania

a lot of writers read books like crazy. i've never been much of a reader though - i am much more fascinated with the way lyrics can convey such profound meaning in such a short amount of space. anyone can write a thousand words and get their point across, but can you get your point across in 20 words? and when you combine this dynamite with music, the ability to relay emotions is unfathomable. music is phenomenal, breath-taking, inspiring. here's a glimpse into some lyrics i'm currently obsessed with.

If you wanna see a change
You gotta love with your life
If you wanna see a change
You gotta love with your life

When I die, put my ashes in the trash bag
I don't care where they go
Don't waste your money on my gravestone
I'm more concerned about my soul
Everybody's gon' die
Don't everybody live though

Listen, yeah everybody wants change
Don't nobody wanna change though
Don't nobody wanna pray
Till they got something to pray for
- NF

If you can hold the stars in place
You can hold my heart the same
Whenever I fall away
Whenever I start to break
So here I am, lifting up my heart
To the one who holds the stars
- Skillet

I just wanna stay in the sun where I find
I know it's hard sometimes
Pieces of peace in the sun's peace of mind
I know it's hard sometimes

"I'd die for you," that's easy to say
We have a list of people that we would take
A bullet for them, a bullet for you
A bullet for everybody in this room
But I don't seem to see many bullets coming through

I've been thinking too much
I've been thinking too much
-Twenty One Pilots

Something inside me's changed
I was so much younger yesterday, oh
I didn't know that I was starving till I tasted you
- Hailee Steinfeld

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Your Attention


my thoughts were consumed
my existence was void
an empty shell of aspiration
deceived by these feelings
you looked so bright
but it all was a lie
i felt myself turn into dust at your feet
i'll never be enough to hold your attention
you'll never do a double take
and lust is not enough to live on.

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Change Yourself


i am lost
wandering aimlessly
the world is a blur
i can't get past this reality
i'm stuck in a sad dream
if i could wake up i could cry
i know where i want to go
but this isn't where i want to be
things i need to give up
but i'm holding on too tightly
and it feels like i'm standing still
but the world is still recklessly spinning
and i don't know how to move
and i've forgotten how to change.

the hardest times in life you'll go through
are when you are transitioning 
from one version of yourself to another. 

Monday, December 19, 2016

Softness in his Eyes


i met a stranger today
with softness in his eyes
the kind of look someone gives you
that is filled with compassion
or when they just care so much.
in most people,
you only catch glimpses of this softness,
like a prairie dog peaking its head out of its hole.
it is vulnerable to have such softness in your eyes.
there are no walls to block the world out
when you let them see your soul
when you show someone that you care.
it's in these moments of softness that we form connections.
and it seems so shocking to feel connection
with a stranger that i just met
who has kindness in his eyes.

oh God,
i want to be that person.
i want strangers to look in my eyes and feel safe.
i want them to see my soul because there is no judgment there.
and if they want to pull up a chair and drink some tea,
well, i want them to know in the first instant that they meet me 
that they are welcome here.

Sunday, December 18, 2016



i never understood anxiety
until i met you.



did i mess this up?
did i destroy my chances? 
darling, if it's meant to be,
nothing can ever mess it up.
nothing is big enough to destroy your chances.

He Understood


you must tell your heart to be still
i told her
there are some dreams that will never come true
and if he doesn't notice your value
if he doesn't love all your quirks
he definitely doesn't deserve you.
she cried silently in the night
but i would have gone to the ends of the earth for him.
oh my darling, i know
and he would have made you
and he would have broke you.
but at least he would have understood me
she whispered.
and i didn't have an argument for that.
and so i told her
to fill her life with moments
to love everyone and everything she met
with the love she would have given to him.
and someday, if he ever loves you
waste all your time on him - 
but not until he loves you back. 

Beautifully Unreachable


she was the type to fall in love with the moon
and everything that was beautifully unreachable.

Friday, December 16, 2016

Fading Reverie


you hurt me
you wounded my soul
and made my tender heart bleed
my reverie is slowly fading
it is being consumed by reality
it will soon be lost altogether, love.
i cried because i hoped
i hoped that reality would be soft
but it is harsh and biting
i can't live with these lies
these regrets are destroying me
the daydream is enchanting
but it's a waste of time, love
and i don't have any more time to waste.
i forgive you for the pain
i forgive you for the lost moments
i forgive you for forgetting about me.
but don't expect me to remember.

White or Black


there's so much white in the world
kindness, generosity, friendship
you smile at me and i smile back
the connection blows me away
the love is more than i deserve

there's so much black in the world
rejection, judgment, ridicule
i smile but you don't smile back
the pain stabs deep into my soul
the hate is more than i can handle

a haze of confusion
i can't interpret this meaning
i want to assume the best
but the worst has hurt me over and over
and i choose to look at the white.

No Fear


God is our refuge and strength, 
a very present help in trouble.
therefore will not we fear, 
though the earth be removed, 
and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;
though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, 
though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. 
-ps 46:1-3

what beautiful words
what breath-taking words
there is no fear when God is with us
there is no fear when we are stayed on Him.
because He loves us, and He will ever protect us
from any type of harm that can come our way.

he that believeth and is baptized shall be saved; 
but he that believeth not shall be damned.
and these signs shall follow them that believe; 
in my name shall they cast out devils; 
they shall speak with new tongues;
they shall take up serpents; 
and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; 
they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover.
-mk 16:16-18

and i cry that Your love is so powerful
so majestic
so awe-inspiring.
the sweet sweet peace and rest
that is found in the shelter of Your omnipotent hand.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Anything But Fine


the moon was shrouded in fog this morning
there was a haze around my heart
(did you see it, love?)
because i fell in love with you, it seems
and i am too confused to find my way out
your words make me feel like a desert
and i'm so glad to be getting rain
your eyes are the sun that brightens any day
and when i look at you
all i can feel is this longing in my soul
you make me want to be better
you make me want to learn how to love
you make me lose track of all reason and time
oh love, i'm out of my head, i'm out of my mind
and when i look at you i feel anything but fine
and when i look at you i feel anything but fine.

Darkness Inside You


there is pain in my heart
i saw the way you looked at me
i felt the intention behind your words
you thought the darkness inside you
would prevent my loving you
but you were wrong, love
i saw the darkness, i understood it fully
and i loved you
i still love you
because your flaws are what make you human
and you are breath-taking-ly beautiful to me.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Mistaken Identity


all my life i've been running
running from the idea of who i'm supposed to be
telling God to make me into someone else
i've fought writing,
i've fought it to the death
and i realized it was killing me.
i hated english class, i despised writing
i burned my journals and deleted my blog
i cried in the night with emotions that were too deep to fathom
i begged God to use me for His purpose,
but i sullenly ignored His answer.
i pursued a career that was as far away from words that i could
i went to college and procrastinated on all my papers.
but God, in His love, has pulled me aside.
i can't tell you the number of professors
who would tell me that i was one of the most gifted writers they'd ever met
i would get A+ after writing 30 pages in 12 hours.
i did everything i could to fail.
but He wouldn't let me and i hated it.
i would cry and tell myself the grades were lies
that i really wasn't that good
that these people just didn't know what they were talking about.
i told myself my perfect score on SAT english was just a fluke
i hated my personality even more when i discovered
that many great writers shared it.
i abhorred any words that would identify me with this part of me - writer, blog, author...
but i think i'm finally coming to grips with my reality.
i'm not sure when it happened.
if it was when i started journaling again,
or if it was when i created a new blog.
it's been slow, and then all at once.
in september, i challenged myself to write a post every day.
and once i let myself start working with my imagination instead of against it,
i realized i was never NOT inspired.
weird things started happening, billboards popping up in my life.
i've been ignoring God for so long, but He's asking me to take a leap.
and so i'm giving up
giving up my hatred of writing, giving up my fight against words
i'm not entirely sure where it will take me,
but there is a journey God is leading me on
and for the first time, i'm willingly following.



he's unattainable

she whispered to me
heartache etched in her voice
sadness in her eyes
he lives in a different world
with so many dreams and so many lies
and as i murmured  my comfort
her tears turned to glass
memories that can never be destroyed
forever written in her soul
and i told her to dream with him
and i told her to pray
that it would pull him out of the lies.

Sunday, December 11, 2016



i've made a discovery throughout life

some people are like under-baked casseroles
warm and friendly on the outside,
but once you take a bite you realize
they are cold and nasty on the inside.

other people are like winter coats
cool and hard to get to know on the outside,
but once you put them on you realize
they are actually warm and friendly.

still others are like candles
spreading warmth and cheer
no matter whether you know them or not
they are constant and generous.

finally are those like an ice box
locked up tightly from the outside world
and once you crack them open
they are just as cold and unforgiving on the inside.

and may we all choose to be the candles.
or if not that, at least the coat
because even if it doesn't light the world,
it can keep those closest to them alive.

Summer Roses


there's a rosebush outside my window, love,
you should see its brilliant blooms
in the summer, it splashes colors of happiness
and floods the air with its fragrant aroma
the world stops in wonder and amazement

it reminds us of our love
so gorgeous, yet so frail and fragile
it's still spring, love, and this rose needs water
but not too much or it will drown
it needs sunshine but we can't burn it

i watch this flower slowly grow
among the thorns of planet earth
and i feel an impatience in my soul
because i cannot fathom
how beautiful it will be in the summer
it will be so beautiful in the summer



but my heart is still beating
it's vibrant and alive
through this pain and confusion
i squint my eyes in the haze
of lost dreams and fake realities
i love the dream, but hate the isolation
i long for reality because of its connection
and through the fog i realize
my dreams have become painful
and reality is lovely
i have to escape this land of isolation
and i beg planet earth to welcome me back.
but what can i do with my beating heart?
would you hold it for me?
would you take away the pain with your healing love?

Saturday, December 10, 2016

When We were Innocent


i found a photograph the other day
of when we were younger
you were smiling with innocence in your eyes
i remember that look, dear
i remember it like it was yesterday
i remember the feeling
that care-free feeling without a worry in the world
we were young, and we didn't care what tomorrow would bring.

the memories threatened to choke me, dear
because i know what you've been through
i know the place that you are now
and i wish we could have those days back.
and i'm sure if i could talk to you,
you would too. 

Thursday, December 8, 2016

We're Friends Now


i'm not sure when it happened
there was never a definite click
it just kind of happened - long and drawn out
gradually, until one day i realized...
i realized that i no longer get annoyed
we don't argue so much
and the silences aren't quite so hostile
i call you a friend now
when once i would have laughed
our time together is interspersed with
     deep thoughts, shared sentiments, and laughter.
we look at the world through different lenses
but sometimes i get tired of my view
and so it's nice to see it through your side, girl.

funny things happen when you're forced to spend time with people.
and, let me tell you, it's the best thing in the world
to feel a connection with someone when there used to be tension.

Only Aware of You


the chatter of conversations fades into the background
dozens of people in the room, but i'm only aware of you
and i pray to God that you won't notice
     my racing heart, quick breath, or shaking hands
i can feel your gaze even though i'm not looking
i sense the kindness in your soul
and as you start talking, like it's the easiest thing in the world, love,
i scream at my mind to stop spinning.
and pray that you can forgive my short answers.
because in that moment, all i can see
is the splash of color that you're wearing
all i can feel is the accidental brush of your hand
and your eyes overflowing with kindness.
this is a tennis match and you're giving me easy passes
asking me simple questions that i should be able to answer
but i can't even return them
and so you just grab another ball.
you set me up perfectly, a chance i can't resist
and even though my humor falls short,
you give me the music that i long for
that care-free - that breath-taking laugh
and i smile at the beauty of the moment
but when i go home i cry at my mistakes.

Sunday, December 4, 2016



we're lost in our heads
these thoughts are beautiful
and for a moment time slows down
and for a moment planet earth is gone
this is just a moment it won't last forever
before it vaporizes, let's save it in our hearts
dance to these emotions and breathe in this stardust
dance to these emotions and breathe in this stardust

we're out of our heads
all thought has escaped us
and we forget about all our cares
and we forget about planet earth
this is just a moment it won't last forever
before it vaporizes, let's save it in our hearts
dance to these emotions and breathe in this stardust
dance to these emotions and breathe in this stardust

we're adrift in time and space
the thought of you will always remain
and we love the way it makes us feel, this pain
and we love the way it shrinks planet earth
this is just a moment it won't last forever
before it vaporizes, let's save it in our hearts
dance to these emotions and breathe in this stardust
dance to these emotions and breathe in this stardust



there are tears trapped inside my soul
like an overcast day without rain
it feels heavy and full of expectation
but what good is rain
when there are no flowers to water?
and what good are tears
when no friend will comfort?
and so the clouds remain with the pain
holding out for another day
a better place and a better time

and i beg God to let me cry.



distant and cold
like the approaching blizzard
you ignore my requests
you ignore my outstretched hand
you ignore my feelings
i'm trying to be a good friend
and you make me feel like i'm failing
i don't understand your mind, dear
i wish i could speak your language
i would give anything to be a good friend
but i know i'm not
so this is me backing away
until you are ready to talk it through.

Friday, December 2, 2016



let's just take this slow, love
i'm not good with words
i've never danced before
and this conversation
(can i call it that?)
feels like i keep stepping on your feet
and moving to the wrong beat

you're more graceful than i
so you try to cover it up for me
you somehow manage to catch the ball
that i tossed in such a hideous pass

don't give up on me,
i promise one day we will click
one day we'll start dancing
and we'll feel the rhythm in our souls

to all the people who talk to me, even on days when i just can't do words: you're amazing, fantastic, lovely, and generous. i couldn't do this thing called life without all you amazing people. thank you for being patient with me and for overlooking my conversation inadequacies ;) i've long held this idea that there is an inverse relationship between your ability to talk and your ability to write. i'm not sure if that's a good excuse or not, so you can take it or leave it. lol

to the extroverts of the world (and especially one who i call my best friend): i absolutely adore you. you make life easier, i could listen to you all day (literally). i especially need to shout out to my bestie who has put up with so much more than anyone ever should lol. she's sat through the longest silences and never once been awkward on the other side. she's also put up with my late night extrovertism when i have to remind myself to let her speak. (it's true, i'm serious) and she still loves me, just the same.

to the introverts of the world: i love you too. you "get" my quiet. you don't judge me for my lack of expression. you don't have unrealistic expectations of how much should be said. it may be harder for us to become friends (but i don't even think that because i've had more introvert friends than extrovert), but once we become friends, the connection is so deep, so real. 

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Music Obsession


i cannot take this, i'm literally obsessed

this is perfection, guys.
LOVE the lyrics of this one!


death is cruel and relentless
the last time i saw you was awhile ago
but i didn't know it would be the last
i knew you were sick
cancer they said
and you looked tired and weak
but still full of so much love and kindness
you were a role model to everyone that met you
and i'm not sure if you even knew it
because you were always so humble and giving
always so generous, with your time, energy, and love
and that sweet, sweet voice - i'll never forget it
i heard that you left us today
and i cried
i cried for selfish reasons
i cried remembering all the good memories
i cried thinking of your family
i cried because home won't be the same
but then i thought of you,
and how you have no more pain
how you are in the glory of Jesus now
and how lovely your voice must sound
      worshiping your Creator, like it was made to do
and it gave me peace through the tears
your race is done, you've won your crown
and i can't imagine the lovely smile that is gracing your face
heaven is looking brighter every day.

we will miss you, Barb.
but you are on to so much better things. 



life is so good
it is so beautiful, love
even though there are dark moments
even if we sometimes cry
God is good, and God is love
He is gracious and kind and ever so patient
we run from Him and yet He pursues us
He protects us and guides us
He is truly the only one that will ever understand us
He sees the secrets of my heart
     all the secrets of my heart, love
and He still loves me
and even the deepest parts of me,
that i may never understand, He does
it gets me every time
how can i resist Him?
how can i deny such breathtaking love?