all my life i've been running
running from the idea of who i'm supposed to be
telling God to make me into someone else
i've fought writing,
i've fought it to the death
and i realized it was killing me.
i hated english class, i despised writing
i burned my journals and deleted my blog
i cried in the night with emotions that were too deep to fathom
i begged God to use me for His purpose,
but i sullenly ignored His answer.
i pursued a career that was as far away from words that i could
i went to college and procrastinated on all my papers.
but God, in His love, has pulled me aside.
i can't tell you the number of professors
who would tell me that i was one of the most gifted writers they'd ever met
i would get A+ after writing 30 pages in 12 hours.
i did everything i could to fail.
but He wouldn't let me and i hated it.
i would cry and tell myself the grades were lies
that i really wasn't that good
that these people just didn't know what they were talking about.
i told myself my perfect score on SAT english was just a fluke
i hated my personality even more when i discovered
that many great writers shared it.
i abhorred any words that would identify me with this part of me - writer, blog, author...
but i think i'm finally coming to grips with my reality.
i'm not sure when it happened.
if it was when i started journaling again,
or if it was when i created a new blog.
it's been slow, and then all at once.
in september, i challenged myself to write a post every day.
and once i let myself start working with my imagination instead of against it,
i realized i was never NOT inspired.
weird things started happening, billboards popping up in my life.
i've been ignoring God for so long, but He's asking me to take a leap.
and so i'm giving up
giving up my hatred of writing, giving up my fight against words
i'm not entirely sure where it will take me,
but there is a journey God is leading me on
and for the first time, i'm willingly following.