"Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me."
The darkness surrounded me, suppressing my voice.
I squeezed shut my eyes, but it was all I could see.
Memories floated through my mind, times of rejoicing...
Ah, that I could feel so at peace again.
As I sink further into the deepness, it feels like
A piece of me is missing.
As the days stretch onward, I'm slowly becoming
Engulfed in the darkness. My being one with the shadow.
Chaos ensues. Dark questions haunt my mind -
Spinning a dizzying web inside my brain.
I've always been the good girl, or so I thought.
How can I be...so...attracted?... to bad things....
I know he is bad for me, know it's no good.
But my heart cries out irrationally -
"He's perfect for me!"
My eyes squeeze shut again, and my mouth utters -
Some words - meant to be a prayer.
Yet it seems that their meaning is all but lost
In this cold, dark place.
My soul cries out, "Lord, please help my
Lost self! I know I can't do this anymore,
I need Your help."
My plea slips into the darkness,
A flare for help, all but lost in outer space.
I muster all my strength to stand,
But my broken leg immediately bows
And I fall down in pain and anguish.
I cry into my hands, defeat again upon me.
All I want is to be loved, to feel desirable -
Is that all so bad?
Besides, my heart reasons,
"I am always so good...
So I need a little bad to balance me out."
I try to ignore the still, small voice
That tells me, ever so quietly -
"You know that's not My best for you."
"Your best for me?!" my heart sputters back,
"Then what is Your best for me - to sit here
Alone, so sad and so cold?"
The still, small voice is gone - no rebuttal in sight.
But deep in my mind, the answer is clear,
And I know that no argument can be won
With my irrational heart.
I cry out again, "Lord, please make my desires
More like You want them to be."
My heart fights against it, but my mind and
My soul deeply desire it.
The weeks turn to months, and at every corner,
It seems the blackness only grows worse.
Deeper and darker and harder to break.
I wonder if I will ever feel again.
If I will ever recover from this.
If I will ever walk on my legs again.
But all is not lost, and one day I awake -
To a beautiful feeling.
It must be how the caterpillar feels
When he finally emerges as a butterfly.
The feeling, so freeing, of the darkness
Slipping away, and slowly fading into the light.
The cage that once surrounded you has fallen away
And all that is left is beauty and peace.
There is no other way to describe it.
That moment that your prayers are answered.
When the Healer reaches down, and touches your
Broken leg - and all is healed and normal and well.
The darkness is gone and suddenly, you wonder -
"How could I have ever wanted those things?
How could I be so foolish and blind?"
When suddenly, before you, unfolds -
A Masterpiece. A beautiful piece of art
That makes your old dreams look like
And you look up, and you feel God
Smiling at you - and He says, "I will always
Keep my promises, my darling.
I will always hear your prayers.
Even when the darkness surrounds you
And you can't seem to find the way out.
And, my darling, you know that I always have the
Best plan for you that you could ever imagine."
And just like that, the light surrounds you,
And you feel at peace and at home.
And just like that your heart is purified,
And your dreams become a little more dreamy,
And that bad thing that you wanted so much,
Suddenly looks like a pound of sugar does to
The newest winner of the Biggest Loser.
"Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness."