Borne by the Heart

Sometimes words are not powerful enough
For the emotions that cascade through my being.
I open my mouth, but words don't come out.
The pen quivers in my hand as the blank page stares up at me.

There are some things in life that weren't meant for understanding.
Thoughts and sentiments that are too deep to be uttered.
There are some things that the heart alone is able to bear;
Sometimes silence can be the most beautiful thing.

The Feeling of Missing

That moment when something reminds you

Of someone that you don't see anymore.

And your heart feels like that kitten

That was just taken away from its litter. 

The friendship that you wish would have grown closer.

That person who seemed so perfect.

Regrets and memories haunt your mind

Like a swarm of gnats around fruit in the summer. 

You should have been friendlier.
If only you had opened up more.
Blame casts itself at your feet

Like a drunken girl that can't think straight.

Your heart feels like it will drown in the pain that floods your heart and being.
That moment when the path suddenly seems empty and the sun so dreary.
That moment when loneliness descends like a heavy curtain.
That moment when you miss someone so much you can't breathe. 

The Music of a Violin

There once was a girl who lived in a dream;
Until one day she awoke with a scream.

She looked all around but it was so dark,
The world was so sleepy and quiet as a lark.

Which she thought was rather strange,
Because larks have a superb vocal range.

Whisper a Prayer for Them Tonight

Ferguson. This summer, I would have had no idea where or what that was. In August, I moved to Saint Louis to start grad school. A few short weeks later, there was a shooting that occurred about 15 minutes away from me; the ripples of which have echoed back and forth across this nation. The unfortunate events that took place that day and in the weeks and months afterward are a stark reminder to me of man's fallen nature. My heart hurts thinking about the people who are in such turmoil that they cannot seem to find the way up. This nation, this world, is in such desperate need of a Savior.

Purified

"Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me."

The darkness surrounded me, suppressing my voice.
I squeezed shut my eyes, but it was all I could see.
Memories floated through my mind, times of rejoicing...
Ah, that I could feel so at peace again.
As I sink further into the deepness, it feels like
A piece of me is missing.
As the days stretch onward, I'm slowly becoming
Engulfed in the darkness. My being one with the shadow.

Chaos ensues. Dark questions haunt my mind -
Spinning a dizzying web inside my brain.
I've always been the good girl, or so I thought.
How can I be...so...attracted?... to bad things....
I know he is bad for me, know it's no good.
But my heart cries out irrationally -
"He's perfect for me!"

My eyes squeeze shut again, and my mouth utters -
Some words - meant to be a prayer.
Yet it seems that their meaning is all but lost
In this cold, dark place.
My soul cries out, "Lord, please help my
Lost self! I know I can't do this anymore,
I need Your help."

My plea slips into the darkness,
A flare for help, all but lost in outer space.
I muster all my strength to stand,
But my broken leg immediately bows
And I fall down in pain and anguish.
I cry into my hands, defeat again upon me.
All I want is to be loved, to feel desirable -
Is that all so bad?

Besides, my heart reasons,
"I am always so good...
So I need a little bad to balance me out."
I try to ignore the still, small voice
That tells me, ever so quietly -
"You know that's not My best for you."

"Your best for me?!" my heart sputters back,
"Then what is Your best for me - to sit here
Alone, so sad and so cold?"
The still, small voice is gone - no rebuttal in sight.
But deep in my mind, the answer is clear,
And I know that no argument can be won
With my irrational heart.

I cry out again, "Lord, please make my desires
More like You want them to be."
My heart fights against it, but my mind and
My soul deeply desire it.
The weeks turn to months, and at every corner,
It seems the blackness only grows worse.
Deeper and darker and harder to break.

I wonder if I will ever feel again.
If I will ever recover from this.
If I will ever walk on my legs again.
But all is not lost, and one day I awake -
To a beautiful feeling.
It must be how the caterpillar feels
When he finally emerges as a butterfly.

The feeling, so freeing, of the darkness
Slipping away, and slowly fading into the light.
The cage that once surrounded you has fallen away
And all that is left is beauty and peace.
There is no other way to describe it.
That moment that your prayers are answered.

When the Healer reaches down, and touches your
Broken leg - and all is healed and normal and well.
The darkness is gone and suddenly, you wonder -
"How could I have ever wanted those things?
How could I be so foolish and blind?"
When suddenly, before you, unfolds -
A Masterpiece. A beautiful piece of art
That makes your old dreams look like
Tattered rags.

And you look up, and you feel God
Smiling at you - and He says, "I will always
Keep my promises, my darling.
I will always hear your prayers.
Even when the darkness surrounds you
And you can't seem to find the way out.
And, my darling, you know that I always have the
Best plan for you that you could ever imagine."

And just like that, the light surrounds you,
And you feel at peace and at home.
And just like that your heart is purified,
And your dreams become a little more dreamy,
And that bad thing that you wanted so much,
Suddenly looks like a pound of sugar does to
The newest winner of the Biggest Loser.

"Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness."

Where the Past and the Future Collide

The Present. Right now, this moment. Today is such a gift; it is the only moment in time where we can make a difference. The past is unchangeable and the future has no guarantee.

So many emotions have been going through my mind lately... and I'm not sure where to start. Perhaps it will suffice just to say that as I was re-reading some of my past diary entries, everything became much more clear. A diary is so important. Even for people who don't like to write - everyone should keep a journal. It is kind of like an Ebenezer. You can look back on it in the future and be reminded of all the wonderful things that have happened to you and that have brought you to the place that you are right now. You can remember the raw emotions that filled those moments when you first listened to God. When you promised to follow wherever He lead. And when you felt His Holy Spirit prompting you to obey. Those beautiful moments.

Sure, you might remember them even if you don't write them down; but will you remember them as well? Will you be able to recall in full detail with complete accuracy. I doubt it. Writing it down puts it into stone. Our memories are such a fluid state, they change and morph over time. But writing doesn't. It will always be there in stark black and white to remind you of each lowly detail that you take time to record.

Enough of that though.

I was reading through my diary, and I found all these things. I rediscovered the excitement of those moments when I was first falling in love with Jesus. I happened upon all those lovely love notes that I had written for my King. Filled with love, and joy, and passion for life. A desire to make a change in the world.

I know where my place is. I know where I will end up. And even if I don't know all the details of how the journey will look, I know who is leading me. I know who is writing my story; and if I follow Him, everything will be alright. I may not understand the dark passages He takes me through, but I know it will all work out in the best way possible if I just trust Him. After all, what type of a book would only have happy stories and an easy life? No one would read it would they? I know I wouldn't. It's the suspense. The incoherent sub-plots building into one grand climax that make a good story. All the moments of raging battles, the intensely fought for victory - make the ending all the sweeter.

The more wearisome the battle, the sweeter the victory!

My passion is to make a difference in this world. Anyone can say that right? I'm not exactly how this will look for me, but my ultimate goal is to open a nonprofit organization that will provide nutrition (physically, spiritually, emotionally) to children in developing nations. "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven." One day I will be there, on the front lines fighting for the souls of these precious little ones. Ones that cannot fight for themselves. Ones that have not had the incredible opportunities that I have. It is my duty - I cannot stand idly by.