My words are meaningless. I post my thoughts but they are just rambles.
Most of the time I don't even take the time to edit them. The words fly off my fingers and onto the page and they are there forever.
My mind is like a trap. It takes words, phrases that I read, hear or see and pieces them together into incoherent phrases and paragraphs.
Half of the time I feel guilty for even having a blog at all because I feel like if anyone takes the time to read it - it will just be a waste of their time.
I read through old posts and contemplate deleting them. Sometimes I do. But sometimes I just leave them and shake my head.
There aren't many things I'm afraid of. One of them is water. But probably even more so than that is oblivion.
I'm so afraid that people won't remember me.
That I won't make a difference.
That I won't save anyone's life.
I'm afraid that I will spend my life chasing a dream that will make me feel good, but accomplish nothing.
I'm afraid that I won't be a hero.
I'm afraid that I won't get to help anyone.
Truth is, I love superhero movies. I love the strength and the honor that they portray. But I'm afraid - terrified - that when my time comes, I won't be strong enough or honorable enough. Or even worse - that my time will never come. That I'll live an uneventful life in the comfort of my home. Never strong enough or brave enough to risk it all and save someone's life.
I'm also afraid of being a cheap copy.
All my life, I've striven to be an original.
Even as a teen, I never wanted to be like the crowd. I wanted to stand out. To be better.
But what if I'm not?
I can't stop there. I can't live in fear.
There is One who loves me more than I can ever imagine. He will give me strength to fight the battles. He will prepare me and give me His grace. He has a plan for me, and if I let Him, He will use me to make a difference. And for that, I'm eternally grateful.
Candace, I couldn't comment on your post, but it made me cry because it is exactly how I've felt time and time again and I am so grateful that you wrote it and I just wanted to let you know. You're not alone.